It Just Wasn't Time

My induction came and went.

My body and Piper's body it seems aren't quite ready to let go of this special bond we share. So we shall wait.

It was all a little heart wrenching to think we were going to be taking home our baby girl and to feel so prepared, and then as hours go by to feel so helpless and hopeless, and eventually to go home without her. It tore both, Shea and I, apart just a little.

Wednesday, Feb 10th

The day began with excitement, every little detail carefully thought out. Connors lunches were prepped, the house was cleaned every inch I could reach, outfits were laid out, schedules were made, infant car seat was installed, bags were packed, a family IHOP breakfast was had, goodbyes were made.

And to the hospital we went, we had called at 6 am and were told to come at 8 am then 8:30 am. So after kids were dropped off we eagerly began our baby's birth day, or so we thought.

39 Weeks, 3 Days

8:30 am
Check-in.
A nurse comes in and says she reviewed my history and that she was ready to have this baby in no time.
We go through the registration process.

10:30 am
My first installment of antibiotics is started.
I'm checked; 2.5 cm, 40% effaced, posterior cervix, thick, and baby's in -3 station.
Dr Mihn tried stripping my membranes, but apparently she was only able to do it a little because my cervix is so posterior, it's too hard to reach.
She recommends I start Cytotec/ Misoprostol. My cervix is not soft enough for Pitocin. So I need a cervical ripening agent. At my last appointment she gave me a sheet on induction medicines and told me to research Misoprostol in particular since it's not FDA approved for induction. This scared us a little so we looked up only this drug from the list and found google horror stories so elected not to use it and jumped to the next option. Cervadil.

11:00 am
Cervadil is inserted. We are told it sometimes initiates labor but it's primary goal is to soften the cervix for Pitocin. Everyone seems frustrated we didn't chose Cytotec but we feel confident that since my labors are fast things will be initiated quickly and that soon enough baby will be in our arms.
At this time it's noticed that baby is hard to monitor, because she's so active.

11:30 am
I have my above all favorite nurse of the day, Terri. She let's me know the contractions are pretty strong and fairly regular, and she jokes that baby better let us get the second dose of antibiotics in. She also tells me that whenever I start feeling really uncomfortable or I'm getting more regular intense contractions, to let her know and I'll get checked. She also says my uterus looks irritated, so that's a good sign and means I'll be more likely to go right into labor.
Nurse Terri was so nice and positive and upbeat and happy, she loved talking to us.

1:30 pm
My nurse switched to Nurse Jen. Which was quite the different experience and everything seemed to go downhill from there. I noticed my contractions were uncomfortable and regular so I asked if I could get checked when they do my next antibiotic dose. But Nurse Jen tells us I'm just crampy and the Cervadil will be in the full 12 hrs before anything else is done or I'm checked, because my Cervix was extremely unfavorable.
Not too happy with the Dr at this point because I am feeling pretty stupid at this point, because I didn't even know I was unfavorable let alone extremely so. There doesn't seem to be a lot of communication considering at my Dr appt last week I seemed to be a good induction candidate and now... I'm told it's all subjective. So as I discuss it with the nurse I get very frustrated, it seems like baby girl won't be coming for many more hours and there is nothing to do but wait and hope for progress.

It also seems as if baby is stuck in one spot which is making it very hard to monitor her heart rate correctly, she seems to like this little nook on my right side tucked in my hip bone. Not super comfortable for either of us I'm sure.

2:30 pm
My second dose of antibiotics goes in. And my nurse offers me lunch. At this point it's hard not to be humiliated. Considering food isn't allowed in labor and delivery but Nurse Jen assures me I can eat because there's no way I'm going into actual labor anytime soon. I feel so depressed and hopeless, and it doesn't help that I'm extremely uncomfortable and feeling contractions regularly just not intense enough ones to merit anything, "cramps" I guess...
And the fetal monitors are on so tight  because baby is so hard to monitor that it hurts constantly.

3:00 pm
I can't get myself to eat my pity food so the nurse takes it back, Shea lovingly and positively insists on getting me a little something. I'm starving so I consent to a bagel. Or maybe two, I'm starving!!!
I'm also told that there would be a Dr switch at 6 pm. I'm pretty excited because it's my Dr I scheduled the inducement with. I'm sure she will be more positive and happy for me and kick things into action. Maybe have a new plan or check me or start me on Pitocin or break my water or something. My contractions seem like they are getting more intense here and there so I'm sure something is happening!

6 pm
Dr Thomas came on, I was told earlier she would come see me but after a half hr I ask and apparently my nurse saw her and just told her everything and she met with my previous Dr, and so seeing me didn't really matter.
Extremely frustrating because now I'm losing any positivity and can't help but just lose it a little but Shea does amazing staying happy and upbeat even through my tears.
We're left feeling baby won't come till the wee hrs of the morning. We are so anxious!

6:30 pm
My next set of antibiotics is administered. I have to get them every 4 hrs now. My nurse sees my contractions are still regular and says hopefully they are doing something nonchalantly and gives me a half smile that maybe they will intensify.
Dr Thomas comes in and is happy and upbeat but doesn't seem to think much is happening. She discusses the plan either way after the Cervadil is taken out at 11 pm. If it's soft obviously we start pitocin, if not we talk options; Cytotec, trying pitocin anyway. She seems sure we will have this baby before she leaves tomorrow afternoon.
After my Dr leaves I can't help but feel even more defeated. Talking options if Cervadil didn't do anything... I was certain all these contractions all day did something. And Shea and I were too stubborn now to start that other drug.

7 pm

Watching contractions, waiting, wanting. 

I get a new nurse. Mean nurse. I'm left with her for the rest of the night. She comes in right after the Dr leaves and seems annoyed that the Dr didn't talk with her and bombards me with negativity and makes me feel like I'm wasting everyone's time by not taking Cytotec originally. And wants to know the plan WHEN Cervadil doesn't work! She pushes me to consider going home. By this time I let myself cry it out and push on hoping please that everyone's wrong and that this Cervadil will have worked!

10:30 pm
Antibiotics are administered once again. Contractions seem to be getting more irregular and nurse goes over all the signs that nothing's progressing. I'm also told by my nurse that she will check me at 11 because Dr Thomas is gone. Then she will call her to discuss my options.
After she leaves I lose it, everyone's given up on us. And Shea and I are starting to lose hope and are heavily considering going home. I'm exhausted and completely sore and destroyed emotionally, mentally and physically.

11 pm
I'm checked. No progress. 2 cm, 30% effaced, possibly -2 station, still
thick posterior cervix though. Subjective subjective subjective it's all subjective but I can't help but feel like I'm going backwards even though it really just means no progress.
I give up completely. Shea and I both lose it a little, he really wants to push through but he understands how spent I am and we decide to go home after an attempt at pitocin.

11:30 pm
Reluctantly my nurse gives me Pitocin even though she thinks it wont work. In 3 hrs I decide I'll get checked and go home, if nothing is happening.

2:30 am
The time has gone by steadily. I'm checked. No progress.
I could have continued for hrs on a low dose of pitocin but the artificial contractions seemed to be doing nothing but causing me discomfort. And I wanted to avoid a c-section at all costs, and I knew pitocin would end in that if no progress continued.
So we decide to go home. Nurse says we have to wait an hour per Dr request (originally Dr requested 5 hrs, but nurse says she talked her down). Dr wanted to make sure I wouldn't go straight into active labor.
My nurse has no confidence of anything happening naturally so c-section may be my only option if it comes to it. Some babies just don't want to come, she says.

3:30 am

Discharged. Overcome with a feeling of freedom, relief, exhaustion, and gratitude that our baby is healthy and happy and I am healthy as well. We are leaving the hospital with a perfectly content little girl, just not quite in our arms yet. I was so grateful for the spirit to comfort me right then as we left I felt a great sense of relief leaving, which was weird, but felt good. It was so negative there and all I could think of is my nice comfy bed and being free of all the cords, IVs and monitors.
Shea admitted he struggled on the way home though. It had been a long and hard day for him too. Not physically but emotionally draining and he had kept a happy face for me through it all. I needed that.

4 am
We snuggled in bed and Shea held me tight. It was a long day.

Thursday

I felt subdued by the whole experience not really feeling much and trying hard to avoid thinking of it all. Although I couldn't help but feel like I never wanted to go back and I'd rather keep this baby in forever so that I never have to go through it all again or see anyone again.
My body is healing now from yesterday. So that when it is time I'll be ready.
Shea lovingly is taking care of me and I feel like he's having to nurse me back to happy prego mode again. He scheduled my Dr appt for me, I couldn't bring myself to do it, it's for Tuesday at 1:40 pm.
Honestly I'd like to wait and just let her come on her own or wait till I'm 41+ wks, because of the horrible humiliation and negative attitude I felt bombarded me in the hospital. It's hard to think I can feel anything but that defeat now. But we will probably set up another inducement, ASAP.
All in all it's hard because I am gbs positive and worry about receiving antibiotics for baby. And I would greatly prefer an epidural over an unmedicated birth. So inducement seems ideal.
But I don't know if I can make it through another day like yesterday, if she doesn't come on her own.

Ideally I'd rather my water breaks but gives me plenty of time for drugs. Then I lack the humiliation of another induction or Dr appt or hospital stay of no progression, no progression, no progression. Not likely but not sure what else to hope for. I don't trust contractions since I have had so many and they have done nothing.

I also read this article online which brought me a little perspective and comfort.
"women who fail to go into active labor after an induction are told that their bodies do not function correctly. But think of it in terms of trying to peel back the petals of a flower before it's ready to bloom. If it's JUST about to bloom, you may have some success with opening the flower. But if it's not ready yet, the petals are just going to fall off and you'll have a ruined flower. It's the same with trying to induce a baby who's not ready, in a body that is not ripe."
Forcing an induction may ruin the birthing experience in its essence, a forced induction can often be a domino affect leading to many chemical applications that lead to a c-section in many cases. If this experience has taught me anything it is that I need to be less impatient and more comfortable with waiting until baby and I are ready. I am not anti-induction just anti an unfavorable one.

If anything I've learned that I will always ask for all the information before an induction. I want to make sure I am a favorable candidate for induction and that I don't need cervical ripening agents. I conducted my Bishop score (which I read about online after the whole ordeal ); which is made up of Cervical dilation, Cervical effacement, Cervical consistency, Cervical position, and Fetal station. And I would be only a 2. I wish I had known before how unfavorable I was so I could have made a more accurate decision on getting an inducement. Not to say that I'd never get induced again or that I wouldn't consider Cytotec now after reading that it actually is just as risky as pitocin or anything else. I'd just rather not be induced unless I'm a favorable candidate.