Back to Back

Missing the two babes I lost this year... 

I won’t lie I feel overwhelmed with love for my family, 

but too selfishly want more. 

The pain is real, but man my littles heal me more each day. It’s not easy to feel like you have all control over this part of your life and then so unexpectedly realize you never did. It's not easy to wonder and pray if the plan has changed all of a sudden. It's not easy to want answers and not get them. It is not easy to feel completely alone, even within your own, my family may feel the struggle but as the mother and as it is my body my struggle is just foreign to them, although they try. And honestly it is an intimate pain, a personal one. 

At the same time knowing I’m truly not alone is the hugest comfort. I know there are so many mamas who know the pain, and there have been some great little FB support groups that have helped me a lot. But it is a two edge sword because all social media just drives me into the depths of despair and grief all over again. 

Miscarriage is not easy.  And back to back is the worst. 

Just when I was starting to heal from our February loss, and just when I started finally feeling okay with moving forward and leaving the baby days behind (since my cycles were so out of whack and I was losing hope in getting pregnant even). 

We had a glorious surprise, two simple lines and they meant the world to me. 

A positive, after months of negatives. 

I was relieved, and believed all the words of the Drs that told me my February loss was just the 1 in 4 odds working against me and that I had no reason to fear another loss. My hopes for holding another baby of mine again took off. I did my best to try and keep myself practical, realistic, and aware that the chance was there. And that until that heartbeat was seen and heard all bets were off. So I scheduled the appt and tried to not think about how much my heart wanted this baby. Unfortunately the morning of my Grandmother's funeral I knew my baby was lost. 

Yet again.

I distracted myself with the day ahead and afterwards our fears were confirmed. 

Baby was 6 wks, 1 day

I did my best to ignore the pain, telling myself I had always known. 

It wasn't till that Sunday at church that it all flooded to the top and I couldn't keep it in any longer. So in a very public way my pain burst out. I guess you can't ignore grief. Having those around me know was mortifying and yet a relief. 

The true healing was in the little things my children would say. Sometimes their words struck me with pain because I know they were grieving too. And sometimes I thought it selfish that I had told them at all but I needed them. Their tender hugs and words of comfort, were truly the only real sense of peace I knew for a long time. 

❤

Temple Trip

It is about time we made the trip to the Philadelphia Temple.

Considering the Washington DC Temple is closed for at least the next two years.

 

I can say it was a LONG driving trip and it was frustrating to say the least, the traffic was so rough and the temple schedule is so strict we missed the endowment session we wanted to attend. 

So we did initiatories and sealings for awhile and then headed the LONG way home.  

I am so appreciative of the temple I've called mine for so many years. 

I can't imagine doing this permanently. 

I also think in the future we will need to plan an overnight stay. Which makes it even harder to come because we'd need an overnight babysitter and the finances for a hotel stay and food.

Overall though I am glad we made it there and I know the temple is a place of healing.

We have struggled a lot with wanting to grow our family but struggling more than ever and just feeling extreme burdens from all directions as we move forward.

I also got a new calling as Primary President, that is overwhelming to say the least.

 I hope that my prayers of healing and comfort through this rough year can bring some little miracles of peace. 

I also feel great power in desire. 

I can only hope that Heavenly Father knows my desire to attend the temple is there, now more than ever. My internal battle has made me so weak and of all times in my life to have the temple ripped from grasp ... well it seems like some cruel joke. 

I know that as I struggle emotionally, physically, and spiritually; the Lord is on my side. 

Even when I doubt he is there. 

I know that years down the line I will have a renewed perspective of our happenings now and I can only continue now choosing the right in all the small and simple things; so that the big things can happen in there own way and time. 

Family

When you sit down to relax for a second and turn on your phone, and you suddenly can barely see the screen...  Thanks for the reminder girls.
Motherhood = No breaks!

And also thanks for reminding me about the important things in life.

"When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time."

Neal A Maxwell

The world has a way of making immorality alluring, truth depressing, loyalty confining, youthfulness sinfulness and family forgotten. The world never stops to appreciate or even acknowledge the home. But I hope our children will always seek comfort in our arms, laughter in our home and truth in our teachings, morality in our decisions, loyalty in our affections, honesty in our actions, innocence in our youth, and family as divine. 

REALITY

Reality is bombarding Dad when he gets home.

 Reality is far too many family movie nights.

Reality is trying to convince baby that baths are a good thing and not some evil satanic ritual.

Reality is counting the minutes till bedtime and then feeling so eternally grateful for all the crazy they bring to your life that you want to burst.

Reality is underwear on your head never gets old.

Reality is watching your daughter count baby toes and melting just a little.

Reality is dandelion blowing is a sport; followed closely by dandelion picking, dandelion smashing, dandelion accidental consumption, yellow dandelion smelling and lip smearing!

Reality is feeling so proud I beam when I am out shopping with all three girls; not just because they are awesome but because I take a little hard earned credit too!

Reality is throwing tantrums in the car, involving; screaming, hair pulling, shoe throwing, head banging, dancing(who can resist a good song on the radio?), undressing, and then flat out moaning as she succumbs to the thumb. Waiting in the Car Rider Line for Connor Stinks!

Reality is literally sending prayers of gratitude for swaddlers, the only way I she sleeps.

 Reality is jumping on the bed post baths.

Reality is tongues stick out way too often.

Reality is never letting your two year old dress herself.

 
Reality is losing track of time doing chores, so your daughter decides to make you lunch, "here lunch for you you hungry me too".

 Reality is finding a pirate trying on your heals in the closet.

Reality is the card section is way too alluring to these two.

Reality is, who said hair should only be washed once, twice, or thrice a day?

Reality is falling madly in love with her multiple times a day.

Reality is this boy is the oldest and goes to school so he knows all or so he thinks.

Reality is "In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." // Gordon B. Hinckley

Blessed

I love watching our SYDNEY MAE grow. 

On Sunday, July 6th Sydney received her baby blessing

 in our home surrounded by loved ones.

Daddy gave her a beautiful heartfelt blessing.

He promised her that in this life she would be blessed with joy and love, a healthy body and mind, to fall in love with a worthy priesthood holder who could take her to marry in the temple, and he spoke much of her growth as a mother and how her example would be a blessing upon her children. I am so grateful for the truth of the gospel and hearing Shea bless her with a strong and very personal testimony hit me so hard.

I love having the priesthood in our home.

Whether it be to bless or protect the power of the priesthood is strong and impacts our family and home constantly. I am so grateful for the impact the priesthood has on my life and the lives of my family. Sydney was quiet during the whole blessing even though she had been fussy that day. She was awake and staring at those around her the entire time, taking it all in. Sydney's blessing day was such a special time to celebrate and show her how much she is loved.

Amberlee and Sydney 

Sydney's blessing dress was worn by her sister Bella and years ago by myself and by my sister.

 It is a special little dress that strings together the memories from all our 

blessings and makes the blessing itself all the sweeter. 

Famous tongue is out pose.

We are so blessed to have sweet Sydney, whether she is smiling or screaming we love hearing her voice in our home.

Because of Him

Jesus is the Son of God, our Savior and Redeemer. Because of Him, death is not the end, and life takes on new meaning. We can change, we can start over—and we can live again with God. This Easter, celebrate His life and discover all that’s possible because of Him.
(I love the whole Easter Story that is shared here at --- easter.mormon.org ---)

Deseret News talks about the impact this video had on so many this Easter season, here. 

BECAUSE of HIM We have hope. We have peace. We have joy. We have truth. We have forgiveness. We heal. We love. We live. We endure. We know. It is all because of Him. 

I am so grateful to have grown up with the knowledge of the truth of the gospel and to have loving parents that reminded me it is all because of Him. I am so blessed to now have the opportunity to nurture my own children and to share the story of Christ with them, even if it will take a few years for them to understand and acknowledge the sanctity of the only begotten's sacrifice. 

I think of my favorite hymn as I ponder on the words "he is risen", Matthew 28:6. 

I Know That My Redeemer Lives

I know that my Redeemer lives.

What comfort this sweet sentence gives!

He lives, he lives, who once was dead.

He lives, my ever-living Head.

He lives to bless me with his love.

He lives to plead for me above.

He lives my hungry soul to feed.

He lives to bless in time of need.

He lives to grant me rich supply.

He lives to guide me with his eye.

He lives to comfort me when faint.

He lives to hear my soul's complaint.

He lives to silence all my fears.

He lives to wipe away my tears.

He lives to calm my troubled heart.

He lives all blessings to impart.

He lives, my kind, wise heav'nly Friend.

He lives and loves me to the end.

He lives, and while he lives, I'll sing.

He lives, my Prophet, Priest, and King.

He lives and grants me daily breath.

He lives, and I shall conquer death.

He lives my mansion to prepare.

He lives to bring me safely there.

He lives! All glory to his name!

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

He lives! All glory to his name!

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

Text: Samuel Medley, 1738-1799. Included in the first LDS hymnbook, 1835. Music: Lewis D. Edwards, 1858-1921

Forget Me Not

I helped my sister this week do a devotional for her seminary class. I remembered one of my favorite talk's from last year, by my favorite apostle Uchtdorf. Seeing him speak just makes me happy, and I feel his great love for us, as he speaks through the spirit. I just thought I would share some of our findings that we enjoyed.

(Excerpt's from DIETER F. UCHTDORF’s talk, "Forget Me Not)
First, forget not to be patient with yourself.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.
Second, forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice.
An acceptable sacrifice is when we give up something good for something of far greater worth.
Third, forget not to be happy now.
This is not to say that we should abandon hope or temper our goals. Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don’t close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day’s ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life.
Fourth, forget not the “why” of the gospel.
While understanding the “what” and the “how” of the gospel is necessary, the eternal fire and majesty of the gospel springs from the “why.” When we understand why our Heavenly Father has given us this pattern for living, when we remember why we committed to making it a foundational part of our lives, the gospel ceases to become a burden and, instead, becomes a joy and a delight. It becomes precious and sweet.
Fifth, forget not that the Lord loves you.
You are not forgotten.
Just think of it, as you are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!

Think to Thank

For a little insight into the holiday, "In the United States, the modern Thanksgiving holiday tradition traces its origins to a 1621 celebration at Plymouth in present-day Massachusetts. While initially, the Plymouth colony did not have enough food to feed half of the 102 colonists, the Wampanoag Native Americans helped the Pilgrims by providing seeds and teaching them to fish. And eventually became an annual harvest festival, known as the thanksgiving festival."

 Thanksgiving is a time of gratitude and giving. We began our day at 9:00am waking to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Broadcast, a Martin Family tradition. We saw lots of fun dances, songs, floats, balloons and more; we got to recap it with Joseph and my Mom over the phone. Before we left for dinner we tried taking some pictures together with us Martins and my Stanger babes.

 

 We celebrated at the Stanger Family's house and some of us Martin's joined in too (Amberlee and Daniel).  We had a delicious dinner with everyone.

 It wore some of us out...

After we were home Bella was sleeping and Amberlee and I had some fun doing a photo shoot with her in this adorable outfit.

 She didn't enjoy it as much as we did. So we ended real quick.

Connor got a little jealous of our Bella Shoot so he tried to take over and got very sad when we put away the camera. So I couldn't resist snapping this picture.

In honor of thanksgiving we read this talk by President Monson about gratitude. Here are some aspects I enjoyed.

Excerpts from the 1998 October General Conference “Think to Thank” by Thomas S. Monson:

The Apostle Paul, in his epistle to the Corinthians, proclaimed, “Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift.” And to the Thessalonians, “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God.”

Do we pause and ponder Ammon’s words? “Now my brethren, we see that God is mindful of every people, whatsoever land they may be in; yea, he numbereth his people,  … over all the earth. Now this is my joy, and my great thanksgiving; yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever.”

Robert W. Woodruff, a prominent business leader of a former time, toured the United States giving a lecture which he entitled “A Capsule Course in Human Relations.” In his message, he said that the two most important words in the English language are these: “Thank you.”

Gracias, danke, merci—whatever language is spoken, “thank you” frequently expressed will cheer your spirit, broaden your friendships, and lift your lives to a higher pathway as you journey toward perfection. There is a simplicity—even a sincerity—when “thank you” is spoken.

The prophet Alma urged, “Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.”

I would like to mention three instances where I believe a sincere “thank you” could lift a heavy heart, inspire a good deed, and bring heaven’s blessings closer to the challenges of our day.

First, may I ask that we express thanks to our parents for life, for caring, for sacrificing, for laboring to provide a knowledge of our Heavenly Father’s plan for happiness.

Next, have we thought on occasion of a certain teacher at school or at church who seemed to quicken our desire to learn, who instilled in us a commitment to live with honor?

Third, I mention an expression of “thank you” to one’s peers. The teenage years can be difficult for the teens themselves as well as for their parents. These are trying times in the life of a boy or a girl. Each boy wants to make the football team; each girl wants to be the beauty queen. “Many are called, but few are chosen”  could have an application here.

The Master invites one and all:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”