Love Mommy

Dear Con,

April 2017

Guilt tripped you into snuggling with me and watching my baking show instead of playing games tonight. Mom win! I love how much you love your Mama and want me all to yourself even if that means watching Mom's shows. Extra snuggles and kisses for you!

Lately you have started getting a little tired of that nickname but ... too bad it just is you. You are my Con Man. And I don't think I can give the name up. But it is not just a name it seems you are getting older in all sorts of aspects. There are so many great things that make up who you are, and I just feel honored that I get to be your Mom, forever.
One indistinguishable Connor trait is you are loud; our home has a whole new volume when schools out and Connors home. You give everyone this intense excitement that usually results in shouting and cries of war. 
Connor you are a comedian; you love to entertain and make people laugh with slapstick and potty humor mostly and when we get you in a really good slaphappy mood you crack even us up with laughter as you make faces and just relax a little from your usual more tense self. I won't lie we are trying to step away from the potty humor you so love but also feel a little bad that you don't have a brother to be silly with all the time. Luckily your sisters laugh along no matter what, and in their eyes you are always the funniest there is. 
You are intense; your emotions are fierce. When your mad you stomp, and scream and slam doors and throw yourself around in a heap. And when your excited you literally are jumping, chasing and bursting with joy. I love it, but in truth it is a lot some days and I don't always keep my cool and I wish I could take back all the times I've lost it. But I do try hard to always apologize and let you know, "Okay crazy Mom is gone can we talk now." I guess maybe a little of that intensity that I see in you, I have in me and for some reason I can't handle it, what a hypocrite I am. I will try to be better. I know these years where you easily forgive and we can hug it out are fleeting and I try hard to relish in them when I can.  
Connor you are vulnerable; you would hate for me to say this but your are at the unmistakable age where you have to watch who's watching before you do anything, just to make sure you don't embarrass yourself. You love to makes things especially for, Daddy, and you linger on his every word. You will even mention to me, "I don't think Dad liked that" or maybe "Dad doesn't want this...", if Dad's reaction isn't BIG enough. I am overly enthusiastic sometimes and that makes it stiff competition for Daddy, every now and then I have to remind him, and give him a heads up that this or that is really important even if it's just a glass of water you bring him. You have this enormous heart and you are exactly the big brother I always wanted you to be, protective and kind and loving and fun and happy. You get proud of your sisters like we do and you get sad when they don't want your constant attention. Especially Piper lately. It hurts you a little when I remind you that she needs space sometimes and the thousands of kisses and squeezes you want to give her when you come home need to be contained. I need my space sometimes too and it literally breaks your heart, I can see it in your puppy dog eyes that turn away when I say I don't really want to snuggle; and that is why I always try to quickly turn right back around and say "Okay come here." My favorite moments are the ones that make me melt. The little moments that turn big in an instant. The running in to give me a kiss and the pat on the leg as you stop to say "I really love you Mom." Or even the moments where you randomly say "You look pretty Mom." They sure make me smile in a way only you can. 
And Connor I hope you know you are SMART! School has been a little rough as we both know but man oh man I know you are working so HARD! You TRY! And honestly that is all this mama will ever ask for. I believe in you and I see you make big leaps and I love watching the wheels turn and you just get it, or you bringing home something and being so proud to show me. I hope things get easier for both of us on the academic front soon, but I hope you will always remember and know that you are smart and can do anything you put your mind too. Summer has been a nice break and as scary as it is to watch you fear a little for school to start I know you are going to do great. Because you always do. No matter what grades and teachers say; I know you are pushed in ways I wish so badly you weren't and pushed so far it is easier to just give up and say "I can't I'm not smart enough I'm dumb I'm stupid." But never let little things stop you, you are my Connor and I truly am amazed by you. And all you do. Keep trying, keep working and never give up; and then life will open in ways you've never imagined. 
I can't fathom a life without my Connor you teach me SO much. And make me feel SO loved. There are stumbles along the way, sure. But I just am so grateful. Connor, you and I are tight right now. It's been a good year, and we have gotten really good at this mother and son thing and honestly as I write this in bed (many months in the making), my eyes fill with big, fat tears; because I know this great big heart of yours is growing and as it grows your mama love will change. I hope it stays strong forever but I know it will get embarrassed and too old for snuggles and kisses and whispered I love you's as I pass. And it makes my mama heart break. Daddy says your too big to carry upstairs after you fall asleep anymore but I refuse to believe him and I will do it till you tell me I can’t anymore. So for now I will relish in these moments that are mine to keep. 

I do hope for that big heart of yours, Connor, to grow. And I wish for nothing more than that it to lead you throughout life because it will make you strong. Let it guide you to do right always.

Love, 

Mommy