Back to Back

Missing the two babes I lost this year... 

I won’t lie I feel overwhelmed with love for my family, 

but too selfishly want more. 

The pain is real, but man my littles heal me more each day. It’s not easy to feel like you have all control over this part of your life and then so unexpectedly realize you never did. It's not easy to wonder and pray if the plan has changed all of a sudden. It's not easy to want answers and not get them. It is not easy to feel completely alone, even within your own, my family may feel the struggle but as the mother and as it is my body my struggle is just foreign to them, although they try. And honestly it is an intimate pain, a personal one. 

At the same time knowing I’m truly not alone is the hugest comfort. I know there are so many mamas who know the pain, and there have been some great little FB support groups that have helped me a lot. But it is a two edge sword because all social media just drives me into the depths of despair and grief all over again. 

Miscarriage is not easy.  And back to back is the worst. 

Just when I was starting to heal from our February loss, and just when I started finally feeling okay with moving forward and leaving the baby days behind (since my cycles were so out of whack and I was losing hope in getting pregnant even). 

We had a glorious surprise, two simple lines and they meant the world to me. 

A positive, after months of negatives. 

I was relieved, and believed all the words of the Drs that told me my February loss was just the 1 in 4 odds working against me and that I had no reason to fear another loss. My hopes for holding another baby of mine again took off. I did my best to try and keep myself practical, realistic, and aware that the chance was there. And that until that heartbeat was seen and heard all bets were off. So I scheduled the appt and tried to not think about how much my heart wanted this baby. Unfortunately the morning of my Grandmother's funeral I knew my baby was lost. 

Yet again.

I distracted myself with the day ahead and afterwards our fears were confirmed. 

Baby was 6 wks, 1 day

I did my best to ignore the pain, telling myself I had always known. 

It wasn't till that Sunday at church that it all flooded to the top and I couldn't keep it in any longer. So in a very public way my pain burst out. I guess you can't ignore grief. Having those around me know was mortifying and yet a relief. 

The true healing was in the little things my children would say. Sometimes their words struck me with pain because I know they were grieving too. And sometimes I thought it selfish that I had told them at all but I needed them. Their tender hugs and words of comfort, were truly the only real sense of peace I knew for a long time. 

❤

First Day of School

We have a FIRST GRADER AND A THIRD GRADER! 

It’s hard to believe summer is over, and yet we are all so excited!

(School normally starts Mid August, but with the recent changes with BOE the start date is now after Labor Day like many surrounding counties.)

They loved showing off at Back to School Night!

Connor.

Third grade. Desks! (He hasn't had a teacher that has done desks yet.)

Teacher, Mrs. Shankle. "Super Nice" (Code for I think I will get away with a lot this year.)

Best friend Ryan. Same Class. Lockers right next to each other. 

Bella.

First Grade. Desks!

Teacher, Mrs. McGuigan (Out on Maternity leave doesn't come back for a month, but her long term sub was a long term sub for art(?) last year so Bella knows her already; SCORE!)
Doesn't have any friends from her class last year in her class. More than a little anxious. But we spotted some potential friends so we are going to be just fine!

So bittersweet saying goodbye at the bus stop (first year riding the bus)... actually they just ran to get in line no goodbyes, I guess that’s a good sign. I have walked them to class every year the first day, (even when I wasn’t supposed to) I so missed that today.

Daddy surprised them at lunch and heard all about their day so far!

UPDATE:

And a few weeks later Miss Syd started PRESCHOOL!

She gets a little clingy but once she gets over the initial drop off she warms up, I'm told.

She started beginning of October

With each new child in school it gets all the more quiet at home and yet all the more busy.

It’s going to be a fun (crazy) year!

Labor Day

We spent the last day before school at South Germantown Splash Park.

It was a blast. Definitely geared towards younger kids but everyone had fun. 

Takes me back to the baby days of Connor and Bella at the Rexburg Splash Pad. 

Splash Bash

We went to the Martin house for the annual end of summer pool party, water obstacle course and a couple rounds of drip-drip-DROP!

Backyard Camping

We have made a sort of tradition of camping in the Martin's backyard before school starts. 

So off we headed with hotdogs and marshmallows in tow. 

We played around the fire and the kids told scary stories (and Uncle Joe joined us to share a few as well).

And then we all watched a movie cuddled in the big family tent, and woke up to morning sunshine bright and early!

Isn't that morning light just the best!

One day we will be well equipped to do family camping trips out in the woods but for now if we want to do it as a whole the Martin backyard just couldn't be better!